For Days and Days
by nikiness
Summary: It was never about me. Not really, anyway. It was always about her. Veronica.


**Title:** For Days and Days

**Author:** Allie Elizabeth

**Rating:** PG-13 for language and sexuality.

**Disclaimer:** Yes. I own Veronica Mars and all of the characters and I am filthy rich. I also have Logan locked away in my closet for my own...personal... use. However, I spend all of my free time writing fic instead of counting my millions. Pfft, I own nothing. Sue me and all you'll get is a Nirvana cd and some cherry coke cans. Trust me, it's not worth it.

**Pairings:** Veronica/Lilly, friendship

**Summary:** It was never about me. Not really, anyway. It was always about her. Veronica.

**Authors Note:** This is a short one shot ficlet written in Lilly's point of view. Review it and I'll give you a cookie or sex or something. The title is from the song I'll Be Yours by Placebo and this story is dedicated to my best friend and boyfriend, Ryan.

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It was never about me.

Not really, anyway. It's always been about her. Veronica.

Everyone always used to say that I was a magnet. My personality, my eyes. Everything. I drew them in, sucked them in. And when they finally escaped me, they all said they were different. Changed, somehow, because of me. For having been with me. Been in me.

But that's a lie.

It was never about me. Just her. And I could have hated her. But I loved her too. I loved her the minute she walked into my third grade classroom. Her hair had little flower shaped clips in them. She was wearing a pink skirt with ruffles at the bottom. And I loved her. And so did everyone else.

My brother loved her. He got lost in her, consumed by her. She was his missing half, his sister mother lover. His everything. She filled in all of his gaps, made him whole. She was something different for everybody, but for Duncan she was salvation. Something to cling onto when things got bad. And things were bad a lot. She made him laugh. She made him laugh like I never could. And I'd tried. But she didn't even have to try. She made him smile, just like I'd always tried to make him smile. And I could have hated her. But I didn't. I just loved her more.

My boyfriend loved her. He never told me, not really, but I knew. He said her name so softly that when he said mine, it sounded like a swear word. He looked at her and his eyes burned. His eyes never looked like that when he looked at me. Not even when he was inside of me. He slipped one time. He was rocking into me, mumbling against my neck. _"Love you. Love you Veronica. Love you."_ We didn't talk about it. I don't know if he even realized what he did. But I did. And I could have hated her then. But I didn't. I just loved her more than ever.

Weevil loved her. I knew that before I started fucking him. But I spread my legs for him anyways, because I was happy being the next-best-thing to Veronica Mars. I really was. I was happy with whatever left over love they could give me. She was his Madonna. His Virgin Mary. Something pure and untouchable and holy. I wondered if he prayed to her, like a deity. I wanted to ask him once, but I never did. He keeps a notebook full of sketches of her next to his bed. He mumbles her name sometimes in his sleep. And I could have hated her. I really could have. But I didn't, I just loved her more and more.

Sometimes I think the reason any of them touched me at all was because they were hoping her touch still lingered on my skin. But I didn't care, because I loved her too. I understood.

But I was selfish sometimes. I was greedy. I wanted more than just to love her, to have her love me. I wanted to be loved like she was. I wanted to make Duncan laugh, I wanted to make Logan burn, I wanted Weevil to repeat my name like a prayer in his sleep. I think that's why I let Aaron Echolls touch me. Because he told me I was pretty. Prettier than that Mars girl, he said. And I let him slide his hand under my shirt. You're so much prettier than Veronica, he'd say and I'd spread my legs for him on that big bed in the pool house. And now everytime Veronica touched me, my skin crawled with guilt.

Because now I would never be enough for her.

So I stopped. I avoided him. I didn't let him touch me and he got angry. And he showed me the videotapes. Dozens of them. They didn't have labels but I knew what they were. And he told me that he would show them to her. My perfect Veronica. And then she'd know. And she would never love me. So I stole them and I hid them in the air vent in my bedroom. He panicked. He left me voice mails and e-mails. He begged and pleaded with me. And then the threats came. I could ruin him with those tapes, he said.

It was always about her. After I was gone, they said it was me. That I was the glue that held everyone together. But it was always her. It always will be her. She was the one who made Duncan smile and Logan burn and Weevil pray. Never me.

And I loved her. I loved her enough to die before she found out the truth. About me. I was stained and dirty. Broken. But I loved her.

I loved her.


End file.
